For a bisexual person to enter a relationship with a straight person, however, neither pretending nor disclosure is necessary, leaving the question unasked and therefore unanswered. Whether or not you choose to disclose your bisexuality openly is a very personal matter, and cannot fairly be subject to the judgment of those who aren’t aware of your specific circumstances. However, when it comes to the subject of disclosure to someone with whom you’ve entered (or hope to build) a serious relationship, being upfront about your bisexuality is crucial, for the short- and long-term benefit of both of you.
(Hear that? That’s the sound of all those alarm bells going off,
joyfully ringing out “THREESOMES!” in the minds of many readers out
there Keep those pants on (for just a sec longer, though—sex should be
about fun and fantasies) —here’s how to walk so you can run to your
heart’s content later on…you’ll trip if you start with your pants down
to your ankles)
It can be a difficult and confusing road for both partners in a
relationship where one has taken the big step and revealed their
bisexual inclinations to the other. Working together and communicating
openly is crucial at every stage of this process, and don’t rush ahead
until both sides know they’ve been heard. If one of you is struggling or
reluctant, this will hopefully provide a framework for navigating the
subject in the most helpful way.
Step 1: Congratulations, You’re Out!
Yes, feel free to celebrate even at this early moment of overwhelming
and conflicting emotions. Regardless of whether you proudly came clean
to a new partner as you began to get serious, or if you were
disastrously yanked out of the closet when your spouse of 20 years
caught you masturbating to gay porn, you’ve taken a big step out in the
open, and can breathe a little more easily now that the hiding is over.
Whether you’ve just come out to your lover, or your lover’s just come
out to you, there are going to be a lot of questions and a need for
discussion. When you make the time to sit down and make this
happen—which is essential—these are crucial issues to discuss.
While there has likely been a long process of soul-searching and
self-examination to get to the place of understanding you’re at,
self-deception can be a powerful thing, and there are many out there
whose internalized homophobia is so strong (or even those who just
haven’t felt any interest stirring within them whatsovever) that they
live in complete denial and obliviousness to their own same-sex
You owe it to your partner and to yourself to be 100% sure that you are
attracted to their gender as well, before going any further. If you do
come to the realization that you’re completely gay, it won’t do you or
your partner any good to prolong the relationship any further.
One of your partner’s biggest concerns is going to be the reassurance
that you’re still very much attracted to them, and you need to, with
great care, let them know you’re just happen to be aroused by same-sex
fantasies as well.
Another thing you will have to face, regardless of what your intentions
or needs regarding acting upon your bisexual urges might be, is the fact
that this may be a difficult or even impossible thing for your partner
to accept. If you know they’ve had strong homo/biphobic views long
before your own sexuality is divulged, it may be an impossible road.
Some people are able to change their long-held prejudiced beliefs when
they learn someone they know and love admits to being “one of them”, but too often the result is to spontaneously forget years of history and trust in that person
Sharing personal and individual experiences about how you came to this
realization (and acceptance of it, etc) is a really good way of helping
your partner with their own acceptance. Having a sense of the emotions,
fears and challenges is what will most help your partner. The human
experience is something a lot easier for us to empathize and identify
with, than is a broad, faceless concept like "Bisexuality" (which is
already so misunderstood to begin with). Also, sharing stories that
take place in a context familiar to them, is a constant reminder to your
partner of the real you, not the stranger they may fear you now are.
This can also be an opportunity to open up a dialogue where your partner
can feel safe revealing any sexual fantasies they might have been too
shy to discuss with you beforehand. Needless to say, you should approach
this with the same open-mindedness, patience and understanding you hope
they can demonstrate to you—in fact, it’s a great chance for you to set
Step 2: Now What?
You now need to ask yourself, especially if you came out to your partner
voluntarily, what your motivations were for doing so. Was it just to
share something personal with them in order to build closeness? Was it
to explain that you sometimes look at same-sex porn, so that you won’t
have to be secretive about it around them? Or maybe you’ve realized that
you haven’t done all the experimentation you’d like to do before
settling down, maybe you’re not sure if settling down is your eventual
plan at all.
You need to really understand your own needs, because you then need to
communicate all these things to your partner Successful relationships
require an understanding of the other’s expectations, and as in all
unions, they have the right to know what they’re getting into. It isn’t
fair to lead them on, or to let them go on planning your future together
if you have any doubts that you’ll want that same conclusion.
Don’t approach this discussion as though you’re writing a contract—this
is a process of learning and understanding, and it’s important for both
of you to keep that in mind at all times. What it is, however, (or
should be, at least) is an honest disclosure of the situation as far as
you can know yourself, and an assessment of how likely you think things
are to change, or how certain you are that they won’t. Desires and needs
can develop and change over time, and so can your partner’s comfort
level in accepting or accommodating them. If and when the status quo
requires change, you will both need to reopen discussions.
Step 3: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Pornography
The reality is that our recurring sexual urges are not going to just go
away when they’re inconvenient, and the best way of keeping them under
out control is to have an outlet for them. When acting on bisexual urges
isn’t a desirable or possible option (and there are countless reasons
for this—you’re in a happily committed relationship but your fantasies
occasionally involve members of the same sex; the object of your desire
is a celebrity you’ll never meet; your partner is fast asleep and you
don’t want to wake them; you’ve concocted an elaborate scenario that
takes place 500 years in the future) many people find an easy outlet in
some form of erotica or pornography, and it is strongly recommended that
both partners make the decision to be comfortable with the presence of
porn in their own or their partner’s sex lives.
Many people have issues with porn,
and if you’re already dealing with bi disclosure, you might overload.
However, porn and erotica can be a simple and private means. Jealousy
can certainly happen, but many people do like porn, even when they have a
wonderful sexual mate, and it isn’t something to be taken personally or
to feel insecure about.
This is an especially important area for those dating a bisexual. If
you can get to the point of not being threatened at all by the fact that
your partner sometimes fantasizes about random people who aren’t you,
it’s a lot easier to accept that their attraction to people of the same
gender can remain part of their anything-goes fantasy world, instead of
needing to be played out in the more complicated reality. And besides,
sometimes all the other-gender-experimentation that many bisexuals crave
is to have a good free-for-all-fantasy wank, comfortably free of shame
Step 4: Talk Pervy to Me: Bringing Bisexuality, Bisexuals and Beyond to your Bedroom
Still with us? Great! Should you wish to continue to experiment and
explore your bisexuality, there are a number of options. Should you find
your partner eager and willing to experiment with you, inviting some
gender role-play or other fantasy scenarios into your routine can be an
exciting adventure for both of you. Haven’t visited a sex toy store
lately? Now would be a good time to take a trip together, you’ll
discover a number of toys to help bring these fantasies to life and
they’re coming up with all sorts of new surprises every day.
If your bisexual desires still urge you to experiment with another
lover, threesomes (or more-somes) and polyamory are solutions that many
bisexuals find work for them; there are other articles on this site about these topics should you wish to learn more.
Learning about your needs, how to fulfill them and take care of
your partner is a process that requires a lot of time, sharing and
understanding. Making changes to both of your lives is going to take
time and is going to be a hard road to travel. But hopefully both of you
can keep in mind why you’re together in the first case, and from there
understanding, acceptance and maybe a whole new dash of fun can be added
to your relationship.